Thursday, April 21, 2011

R is for ROMANCE!

Lemme give you a little taste of what it's like to be on my side of the court, the ball, the game.

Let's start in fifth grade. I was "going with" a girl in my brother's grade, a year younger, and I never spoke with her. I bought her a sucker pop each Friday and Bro gave it to her. A bag of spiders over my head wouldn't have scared me more than that girl scared me.

In fact, I would have taken the bag of spiders.

My freshman year in high school a junior girl made me her Pet Freshman. We dated into college, about six years, and it's my fault we aren't married.

Lord how I fuck up relationships. Ever see Tommy Boy? Girls are my butter rolls, and I shred em to hell.

I got hooked on another girl for about a year and a half. I got obsessed. Never been like that, but there it is, and I was nuts. College and the pressure of working and going to school and trying to get into med school all contributed. One night I gave her a dozen roses. She sold them on 6th Street in Austin for a $1 buck apiece.

Lived with a New York Jewish girl. She was something else, still is. She used to throw tortillas in the restaurant.

I got out of college, met my first wife at a bar -- which is how I met all my women -- and I fell in love with her way more than she did me. She wouldn't give me her phone number, but her sister, older by 6 years, thought I was "adorable" and called out her phone number over her shoulder as my future-wife was dragging her ass out of the bar.

Little known to her I was the phone number guy. Girls never wrote down their numbers. I remembered them, even remembered em for my buddies. I know. Freak of nature Rain Man, but that's how I rolled. I couldn't drink enough beer to forget her number and I didn't want to.

Married. A kid. Few years later divorced because I'm OCD and she's normal in the head.

Let's not relive my early thirties. I'm not sure I can. I'd die if I tried because I almost died at the time.

Met my now-wife at a bar.

You wanna dance? I asked her. Two-stepping Dallas bar, me in my hat, her in some California wanna-be beach hat and looking mighty West Coast and nobody likes them Westies out in Dallas. She's a Vegas girl.

Anyway, I said, You wanna dance?

No, she said. Don't know how.

She waved me off and with that waving-off hand I grabbed her and dragged her to the dance floor saying, Come on, chicken, I'll teach you to dance.

The next night we were in Austin getting tattoos, been together almost six years, now, and have a kid (who's doing great, by the way!). God in Heaven I love that little girl. She's a nutcase sometimes, locked me outside in my underwear and gave me every bit of the hell I gave her, but I tell her often that guys should ALWAYS go for the crazy bitch.

I mean, any chick who is willing to kill for you is worth keeping.

I also believe women should be on medication from birth. It'd save a lot of trouble, I think.

- Eric


Anne Gallagher said...

I know I've said this before, but you're wife sounds a lot like me. Except I'm from the east coast.

When I lived in Nevada, some guy asked me to dance and I blew him off cuz I didn't know how (two-step mind you), and he dragged me on the dance floor and taught me.

It's really funny how your wife and I have so much in common. Although she is a lot younger than I am. And my baby is now 6.

But if I were ever married, I would kill for my husband too. You keep this one around for awhile. She sounds like a great chick.

Creepy Query Girl said...

Well that is just...charming. LOL! I think my hubs and I deal with eachother pretty well. All romancing aside, that's what really counts. Being able to 'deal' with someone for the rest of your life!;)

Wine and Words said...

Eric - I never want you to stop posting the alphabet. What am I gonna do when you reach Z? Holy Hell I love these posts. Your honesty, wit, and the way they make me laugh at myself. I think you're right about all women on meds. I finally got mine. Shoulda done it a friggin year ago. Can you feel my mellowwwwwwwwwwwww? A tad below my Type Triple A OCD Dark Cloud-ness.

Laura S. said...

Oh my! That's quite a history of romance you have. And I'm trying not to be offended by that medication comment, hahaha. ;)

I've been friends with my husband since we were 7...started dating when we were 17...married at 22. So far we still like each other very much and love each other even more! Cheers to forever. :)

One of my favorite marriage quotes: "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." ~Rita Rudner

Good luck with that kid of yours, lol!

Matthew MacNish said...

Hmm, I don't know if that's romance, but it certainly is life!

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

Well, we have the same "R" Post Title - but that's where it ends.

Got to admire your take on romance though. As long as your happy.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Some live life as if it were a loaded gun -- I think you may be one of them!

I once asked a friend of mine why he insisted on meeting all his girlfriends in bars when he hardly drank. He tapped his glass, then his head, smiling, "I look better through drunk eyes."

I wish you long, happy life with your wife and baby, Roland

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Eric. You da man.

ALWAYS go for the crazy bitch. Nuf said.

BTW, we could be siblings. Twins, even. Probably are. :)

~ that rebel, Olivia

Raquel Byrnes said...

I've never been so insulted and entertained in my whole life. You had me laughing and feeling bad for doing it.

"Mad, bad, and dangerous to know." Men don't have a corner on that market.

I think my husband would agree with your choosing strategy...but at least he's never been bored. =)

Enjoyed your "Romance" post and glad I stopped by.
Edge of Your Seat Romance

Stephanie said...

Interesting post!! But yeah, if you can't put up with someone else's shit, how can you expect them to put up with yours??