Wednesday, April 13, 2011

K is for Kegs (and Monkey Loving)

Circa 2000, written under the pseudonym of Saul (for anyone who still remembers Saul...), in response to a chain email from my cousin.

To Lone Wolf, in answer to your question: "What one thing would you want if you were stranded on a desert island?"

One hundred and thirty-three kegs of beer. Brand wouldn't matter, but it'd better be dark, by God. And we'd need Bro there, too.

You, me, and Bro with one hundred and thirty-three kegs to knock back. We'd be fucking the local monkeys by the end of number thirteen! Around fifty, we'd discover our inner beauty. We'd fuck that inner beauty around the sixtieth keg.

That's because we'd have gotten tired of the island monkeys always telling us no, not tonight, I'm tired, my ass hurts, I have lice, can't you see the lice!

Around seventy, we'd construct crude topless dancers out of palm leaves and coconuts. You and I would give them all our money, but they'd go back to our cave with Bro. Go figure.

Kegs eighty through one hundred would be a naked blur.

After the century keg, one hundred, we'd take a day or two to sober up while we lashed the empty kegs together with vines and what's left of our underwear, forming a seaworthy raft. You'd try to smuggle on a couple of monkeys; you'd say they were for the trip home, but Bro and I would say we're tired of the monkey-loving, leave them.

Taking the leftover thirty-three kegs, we'd make a long trip around the southern tip of South America (I assume we started out in the southern Pacific, around Hawaii, maybe stranded on Maui or something), land in New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras, sell the monkeys you stowed on board anyway, and use the money to pay for some real strippers.

All the girls would go back with Bro, but what the hell -- it beats coconuts!

- Saul Mighty

What would you want if you were stranded on a desert island?

- Eric


Cindy said...


Only thing I'd want stranded on a desert island is a way off of it.

The thing I'd need most, besides food and water would be SUNSCREEN as my scotch-irish self would be a lobster the first day

Stephanie said...

OMG!! That is hilarious!!!!!

I would need chapstick, q-tips, and an elastic to hold my hair back. Cannot live without those things!

Wine and Words said...

Beer? Ice come with that? 'Cuz warm beer doesn't sound too appealing.

Mosquito repellent, my organic honey chapstick, and my sports bra. And wine. And a journal. And a hunting knife. And...I'm really not much of a survivalist at all!!!

Stephanie Lorée said...

One thing: A working helicopter, so I could, you know, leave.

And have you ever considered writing humor? Just saying...

Anne Gallagher said...

You make me laugh. Leave it to men to want beer on a desert island. Although, I like the idea of tying the kegs together and leaving. Pretty impressive thinking, even though you're completely snockered.

In answer to your question, I think the one thing I would want on an island is a knife. I big honking machete type thing. I don't know why, but it's the first thing that popped into my brain after I read the question.

How's the baby? Sleeping through the night yet?

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...


:_) that rebel, Olivia