Friday, June 4, 2010

Blogfest: Dream Sequence

For Amalia's Dream Sequence Blogfest

This is from one of those books I felt I had to write. I don't know if it is at all publishable. It's more of a fictography than a fiction.

Note the passive tone and the abundance of was constructs and the bland tone. The whole book is dreary like that.

The name Evander means Good Man. This entire passage is a dream and is snipped for brevity.


Evander's Forge
Evander James Genesee assumed his position on the smooth-worn log. All the bark had been peeled from the log, all the knots dulled. Evander preferred the left-side of the log, where he'd managed to wear in a depressed seating area, and because for some reason, he preferred to be to God's right, rather than to God's left.

"Hello, Evander," said Sage. She was naked, but somehow not naked in a sexual manner. The angel was beautiful in the way a naked baby was beautiful, naked in the way an animal was naked, with long, flowing, wild blonde hair, and firm, well-used muscles toning her body.

"Hello, Sage," Evander said. "I still can't see his eyes."

"Nor will you," Sage replied. "Not yet."

In front of Evander hovered a massive blue face, mask-like and endless, merging its chin with the ground, and its forehead with the clouds. Evander's log sat on grass-covered earth twenty-one steps away from the face. Behind the face lay an open field of waist-high grass, and above the grass hung a blue sky with scattered high clouds. The face's mouth hovered several stories above the ground and spanned a hundred feet in width. The mouth seemed to be in a slight smirk, much like the Mona Lisa, and sometimes Evander wondered if da Vinci had seen the same blue God. He wondered if da Vinci had met Sage.

"So, um, did you see that guy tonight?" Evander looked over at Sage. She stood to Evander's right, facing the blue God.

"Yes," said Sage. "I sent him to you."

"God didn't send the guy?"

"I do God's will, Evander. As do you."

"Well, I'm ready to come home, Sage. I'm tired. I can't do this thing anymore. I want to come home."


***

19 comments:

Christine H said...

Eric, I swear, you are one of the most unique and unusual creative minds I've ever met.

Big blue god? A naked angel?

I am not worthy.

Christine Danek said...

I'm floored. Very intriguing. I really like this.
Amazing.

sarahjayne smythe said...

I really like this a lot. Great imagery and description really set the tone of this piece. I'd like to read more of this.

Mary McDonald said...

I love your description of the naked angel. She sounds beautiful--like a work of art.

Charity Bradford said...

This was great, and I didn't feel like you "snipped". Would be curious to see the long version.

Fascinating.

Donna Hole said...

This really peaked my interest further. This one I want to read from the tag lines you offered. I'm glad you posted a piece of it for me.

The passive voice is alright here because it is a death dream, and seeing the face of God should evoke comfortable emotions. I like how he chooses his position on the log because he wants to sit at the right hand of God, not the left. Symbolic.

.........dhole

catwoods said...

Eric,

I agree that the passive voice works well here. The only descriptor that threw me off was the ten stories high part. Everything else felt so natural and untainted (naked angels) that this reference felt intrusive and out of place.

I would love to read more.

~cat

Raquel Byrnes said...

Thank you for not having flowing white robes anywhere in this scene. I loved your descriptions, especially the log. He spent a lot of time there I'm guessing.

Your last line really peaked my interest. It revealed just enough to make me want to read more.

Great job, as always.
~rb

Roland D. Yeomans said...

I thought I was the only one who wrote of naked angels? Must be a guy thing.

I didn't find this passage bland at all. And sometimes passive tense works. That's why the English language has it. Just like pepper, not to be over-used.

I truly wanted to read more. You should dust off this novel, revise if you think it warranted, and try to submit. You have real talent, Eric.

Roland

sharongerlach said...

Very unique concepts in this--I enjoyed this very much. There are a few things I would edit--repeated words in adjacent sentences--but other than that...
very well done.

I don't know why people are so down on passive voice these days--I find it works well for dreams, visions, memories, and for setting moods. You used it well.

Iapetus999 said...

I think you should use these blogfests as opportunities to practice your skills. I almost always re-edit my blogfest submissions and they become ten times better.
I was confused about who saw what and where the face was and a lot of the setting. I agree there's a lot of kewl stuff in there but some of it is hard to picture.
You should take another look at this some day :)

Amalia T. said...

I love this line: Evander wondered if da Vinci had seen the same blue God. He wondered if da Vinci had met Sage.

And I love that in this bizarre setting, he seems to be carrying on a total every day conversation with Sage, as if it's just another day at the office. Very interesting scene!

Thanks for participating!!

Elaine AM Smith said...

Seriously surreal!
Well written. Normality on an unreal plane of existence.

KM said...

Definitely one of my favs thus far! I agree with Elaine: surreal. But in a good way, you know? I love the part about him wanting to be on God's right instead of his left. Great stuff here! Seriously.

Tessa Conte said...

I love the way you 'talk'. Your descriptions are great, and I love the left-side-of-the-log-thing!

Hayley said...

Whoa this was quite a unique voice, bravo. It's got such a creative spin, a naked angel and everything else, I'm very intrigued.

Kris & Kels said...

That was riveting. I can already sense the imagery and meaning in this book, and I want it!

<3 Kelsey Leigh

Kristie Cook said...

I love your writing and your imagination. Would enjoy reading the rest!

Dawn Embers said...

I have no idea what's going on but am interested anyways. Different, strange in a way that's not the same as different. The log was weird but a good touch to the scene.