Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Five ways to remain unpublished
Here's how I maintain that perfect record.
I'm not saying your hook should be bad, but the overall hook should be fairly weak. A strong hook is liable to get you published, and that just means more work.
If you develop a plot at all, make it weak and predictable. Preferably, your work should ramble and contain scenes unrelated to the overall piece -- for "artistic" purposes.
Write What Doesn't Sell
Unless you want to risk publication, write about a topic that is either dead, over-used, boring, or too obscure. If you choose a genre, learn nothing of its rules.
Or better yet, call yourself an artist and write "literature" and scoff at the published writers, all of them busting their asses in the trenches for The Man. Use confusing sentences and complain like a colicky baby drinking curdled milk.
Under-edit and Under-write
Don't edit the work, but if you happen to revise it, make it worse.
It is wise to consider stopping halfway through the novel. Develop a case of The Fuckits and give up entirely. This best occurs around the 30-40k word mark and you can at least claim a "partial" novel and complain how "life just got in the way."
Remain completely dedicated to the fact that your work is inferior and unpublishable, and that your ideas are not sound. Blame your critics for "not getting you." Eventually, you should give up on writing, and lay the guilt on someone's head for giving you a bad review and discouraging you.
I have a ton more: Alcohol. Women. Work. Procrastination. Women. Facebook. Blogging. The list goes on and on...
What lessons have you learned about how to remain unpublished?