Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Note to self: Chill out!
Stress often begins with money. We stress about money, because in today's society, we use currency to purchase food and shelter that allows us to survive.
And if you run out of money, you die!
At least, that's how it feels. More likely you will wind up in a smaller house, or apartment, or on your buddy's couch for a while.
If it isn't money, it's relationships. As a moderately social organism, humans require a fair amount of companionship. It stinks when you don't have a companion. You get lonely. You get bored.
And if you get lonely and bored, you die!
Not really, but that's how it feels sometimes, especially if your heart got broke all hard and stuff.
And if it isn't money, and it isn't a relationship, it's work.
Work is married to money, and they're in bed together, but when they have sex, work comes first and leaves money unsatisfied. Money, out of low self-esteem, cheats with Uncle Sam, but he's a user and a liar, full of empty promises and racked with venereal disease. So she seeks out creditors and bankers, who give her shiny things she thinks will bring comfort, but they nibble away at her until she's been turned from green paper into a sixteen-digit piece of plastic with a magnetic slide reader on the back.
And yet we beg for work when it's gone. Why?
Because without work, You will die!
So now I give you, and I give me, some advice that might save your life.
The first piece of advice is this: Breathe. Drink. Be comfortable.
I say that, because there are only four things you need to survive: Air, water, shelter, food.
In that order, though water and shelter are often swapped. Note that FOOD is at the end of the list! How often we feed for comfort, eh.
Air is always the first thing you need. All human (and mammalian) life dies from one single cause: lack of oxygen to the brain.
So get some oxygen to your brain! Then drink some water. Then find a comfortable shelter, such as a couch or a fluffy bed.
Then get food, but only if you're hungry.
The second piece of advice is this: Enjoy.
Do something you enjoy doing. I hit the gun range, or the gym, or take a nap or a walk. Yours may be a cup of tea, or splurge and get a massage!
The third piece of advice is this: Have lots of sex.
This is easier said than done, folks. But if you have a willing partner, and you beg long enough, and offer something expensive in return, and convince her you will die without it, maybe she'll give in, just this once, if you hurry it up so she can get back to her game of Angry Birds.
Ah, the most wonderful words in any language: Fine. Lock the door.
The fourth piece of advice is this: Escape!
It's about an escape, really. You might read a book, or play in the garden, or do what I do, watch a movie.
Nothing like a round of Zombieland or Beerfest to change your mood.
The fifth piece of advice is this: ??
You tell me, but if all the above doesn't work, this is where I usually earn my MD and initiate the self-medication procedure. Stat.