Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Note to self: Chill out!

This is a post regarding stress.

Stress often begins with money. We stress about money, because in today's society, we use currency to purchase food and shelter that allows us to survive.

And if you run out of money, you die!

At least, that's how it feels. More likely you will wind up in a smaller house, or apartment, or on your buddy's couch for a while.

If it isn't money, it's relationships. As a moderately social organism, humans require a fair amount of companionship. It stinks when you don't have a companion. You get lonely. You get bored.

And if you get lonely and bored, you die!

Not really, but that's how it feels sometimes, especially if your heart got broke all hard and stuff.

And if it isn't money, and it isn't a relationship, it's work.

Work is married to money, and they're in bed together, but when they have sex, work comes first and leaves money unsatisfied. Money, out of low self-esteem, cheats with Uncle Sam, but he's a user and a liar, full of empty promises and racked with venereal disease. So she seeks out creditors and bankers, who give her shiny things she thinks will bring comfort, but they nibble away at her until she's been turned from green paper into a sixteen-digit piece of plastic with a magnetic slide reader on the back.

And yet we beg for work when it's gone. Why?

Because without work, You will die!

So now I give you, and I give me, some advice that might save your life.

The first piece of advice is this: Breathe. Drink. Be comfortable.


I say that, because there are only four things you need to survive: Air, water, shelter, food.

In that order, though water and shelter are often swapped. Note that FOOD is at the end of the list! How often we feed for comfort, eh.

Air is always the first thing you need. All human (and mammalian) life dies from one single cause: lack of oxygen to the brain.

So get some oxygen to your brain! Then drink some water. Then find a comfortable shelter, such as a couch or a fluffy bed.

Then get food, but only if you're hungry.


The second piece of advice is this: Enjoy.


Do something you enjoy doing. I hit the gun range, or the gym, or take a nap or a walk. Yours may be a cup of tea, or splurge and get a massage!


The third piece of advice is this: Have lots of sex.


This is easier said than done, folks. But if you have a willing partner, and you beg long enough, and offer something expensive in return, and convince her you will die without it, maybe she'll give in, just this once, if you hurry it up so she can get back to her game of Angry Birds.

Ah, the most wonderful words in any language: Fine. Lock the door.


The fourth piece of advice is this: Escape!


It's about an escape, really. You might read a book, or play in the garden, or do what I do, watch a movie.

Nothing like a round of Zombieland or Beerfest to change your mood.


The fifth piece of advice is this: ??


You tell me, but if all the above doesn't work, this is where I usually earn my MD and initiate the self-medication procedure. Stat.



- Eric

8 comments:

Anne Gallagher said...

But if you have a willing partner, and you beg long enough, and offer something expensive in return, and convince her you will die without it, maybe she'll give in, just this once, if you hurry it up so she can get back to her game of Angry Birds.

Ah, the most wonderful words in any language: Fine. Lock the door.

ROTFLMAO You are such a MAN! A funny man, but a man.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

I remember my husband reading a report years ago that stated the average couple had sex less than three times a month and he was HORRIFIED! Proud to say we are way higher than that number even after over 20 years of marriage.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

You're right, Eric. What we NEED is to breathe, eat, and sleep -- everything else is negotiable (something I put in the mouth of my hero, Sam McCord!)

If we went to the 3rd world countries, what we would see would make us feel blessed indeed here in the states! Good post, Roland

Wine and Words said...

Ditto to Anne's comment. Hilarious. Pretty sad Eric, that "fine" is part of your happy place. Really sad. Is it wrong to want more? Probably. But this was a gem: Breathe. Drink. Be comfortable.

That I can do just "fine". Lock the damn door.

Donna Hole said...

LOl. Last week was my turn to submit for critique group, and instead of a writing I did a craft chat on stress.

We must be rading each other's minds :)

I like that bang head here poster. They won't let me keep something like that at the day job, and my kids stole it from above my writing desk years ago :)

Breathe Eric; and drink in moderation. Don't shoot anything with a heartbeat, lol.

......dhole

Cynthia Lee said...

This is all good advice. I have a mental inventory of "comfort" movies in mind whenever I need to escape. They often work. They are best viewed after a long and exhausting walk, after which I am too worn out to think or worry much.

Jai Joshi said...

I agree, although your third piece of advice had me gasping and choking at the same time. Oh Eric!

Jai

Phoenix said...

Zombieland (or any Simon Pegg action movie) and sex usually work for me. Then again, so do long evening walks with my partner in crime, picking up hot chocolate from our local coffee shop. Whatever works, right?

Lately I've been in a funk. And all I've wanted is sleep.

Not good... I need to enjoy and relax more, not sleep. Ugh.