Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I am CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!
My dream-wife, nothing at all like my life-wife other than they looked the same and shared a name, said to me, I've been seeing other people.
Other people? said Dream-Eric. You mean like, more than one?
Yes, dream-wife said.
She then began naming Asian guys, because apparently dream-wife had a thing for Phongs and Wongs, and I stopped her after the fifth Tang and pointed and said, Get out.
She left, and Dream-Eric got plowed and fast-forwarded through a few dream-days, with dream-wife texting these coded messages that had to be read in the mirror upside-down, numbers only, things like 07734 (hello) and I love you and whatnot.
I woke next to life-wife and didn't wake her because she was tired and had gotten up earlier with the baby, who for some reason had been great all day and wanted to cry last night. I blame the Tex-Mex for that dream.
I was reminded of that big red O with a yellow middle against a royal-blue back painted squarely on my chest. I am Captain Oblivious.
She could cheat and I would never know. She wouldn't, of course. I believe that in my heart, and I'm not worried about it. Like I said, blame the Tex Mex because I ain't the jealous type. We're good and it was just a dream, but it was one of those vision-vivid dreams that really shake you, if you get me.
I've been cheated twice -- that I know of -- and both times I stared shocked as if suddenly realizing that cup I'd been guzzling was full of bugs, a minor detail that in my greed I had overlooked.
I even argued with a doctor once, my freshman year in college. Let me relate this story.
I'm not sure what it is, I said. They just showed up one day.
I dropped my drawers and showed her the damage. Looked like zits all along my crotch.
Doc said, You have mollusca.
What the hell is that? I said.
It's an STD. Very common and curable. Kids sometime get them on the playground because they're so contagious.
How the hell did I get an STD? I've been with my girlfriend since high school. I'm a college freshman, she's a college junior, that's like five years, and she's the only one I've had sex with. How can I get an STD?
Doc shrugged her shoulders.
I said, I haven't had sex with anyone else. Could it have been from the showers? I live in the dorm.
No, the doc said. You get it from having sex. This was transmitted sexually.
But I haven't had sex with anyone but my girlfriend, ever. How could I get an STD?
No idea, Doc said.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure she was trying not to laugh at that big fucking O on my chest, as Captain Oblivious beat his arms and flew off the nearest rooftop into oncoming traffic covered in flaming rags while gagging on a piece of overcooked pork chop.
I am Captain Oblivious.
Have you ever been Captain O? Have you ever suffered Tex-Mex reflux-driven hallucinations late at night so disturbing that when you got up to urinate, you were forced to sit down because your hands were shaking?