Thursday, May 27, 2010

Who is the sexiest real-life monster?

Monsters in literature are based on real-life models. Don't believe me? I'll show you, and I'll prove to you why Frankenstein is the sexiest real-life monster.

Let me first knock out the myth that vampires are sexy. That one's easy.

The original vampire was Vladimir Dracula, or Vlad the Impaler. He was a brutal ruler in -- where else -- Transylvania. He impaled prisoners of war and criminals in front of the castle gates. He was obsessed with impaling, even impaling birds after he was imprisoned.

But you can't argue with the results! So effective was the impaling punishment in inspiring fear that he placed a golden drinking goblet at the public fountain and left it unguarded. Anyone could drink from it. Nobody stole it.

Folks, that's called being tough on crime.

But he wasn't sexy. He was a sick bastard. Not someone you'd want to sneak into your bedroom for a three-hour impaling.

Let's move on to zombies. I know, they aren't sexy in myth, though that'll change soon. Who are real-life zombies?

The homeless, of course. Our beggars. Tattered. Torn. Arms out with empty cups and empty skulls. By and large these people are not right in the head -- ergo the zombie-ish moaning in their fictional counterpart, and the denial of intellect.

It's sad, I know, and I'm not picking on the homeless. They have trouble keeping their meatball on their plate, but the fact is, they're not sexy.

"Ooo! Ooo!" A question from the back. "What about real-life ANGELS!"

What about angels, huh. Surely their real-world inspiration is sexy. Nope. Angels are inaccurately portrayed as having bird wings, which is downright ridiculous.

Angels are human and humans are mammals and the only mammal that can fly is the bat and the bat ain't sexy and neither are birds so put your hand down and let me finish.

Which brings me to Frankenstein's creation being the one inspired by the sexiest real-life model of them all.

Now ask yourself this: Who wrote Frankenstein?

Ironically, a chick, Mary Shelley. That in itself says the inspiration must have some sexuality associated with it, since females are the resident pervs here in Earth (ladies, don't make me prove that point -- look at your literary genres, nod, and move along).

Now, the premise of the book is this: Medicine can stitch together something more beautiful than the womb and God's thread and needle.

You see where I'm going, right.

In Shelley's day, (early 1800s), modern medicine was crowning its head. Today we dream of unrealities in medicine -- eternal life, cures for silly things like baldness and short stature. Surely Shelley could imagine the non-existent benefits of cosmetic surgery.

A beautiful nose. Pretty bosom. Fine legs and perfect eyes.

Shelley never lived to see her creation walk downtown Hollywood or strut up the New York byways, but by God, her creation walks and talks and strips and struts.

And nobody can deny how sexy the Frankensteins are.

- Eric


Jessica Bell said...

LOL Awesome post, Eric, and so true!

Raquel Byrnes said...

I don't know, Eric. Hellboy kinda still does it for me. Snide remarks, indestructable, reluctant hero-esque.

Plus...he's really buff.

Phoenix said...

I wouldn't say female authors are MORE pervy than male authors... I'd just say that they can definitely hold their own. Most male authors write about sex; female authors write about romance. Which just happens to involve sex. Sometimes with monsters.

At any rate, Bram Stoker sort of romanticized Dracula and I'm pretty sure as his book sold, you could just hear pretty little wenches fainting left and right at the eroticism of it all. So I'm gonna have to go with vampire, mostly because it's been played out in our modern-day society to a success that few other monsters have rivaled, although these days werewolves are getting close.

I have never really thought of zombies as sexy. A guy friend of mine just recently confessed his mermaid fixation and I was all, "Are you kidding me, have you read the description in the original Peter Pan?"

So there's always the original literary and mythological analysis vs What Hollywood Can Sex Up to also be considered in the very important contest of Sexiest Monster.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

You make a great arguement!

Eric W. Trant said...

Raquel: Hadn't thought about Hellboy. I guess his real-life model would be a barbaric warrior. If that's your gig, swing it.

Phoenix: Your friend does know that the real-life version of a mermaid is probably the manatee or something similar, seals perhaps. Werewolves, well... in real life, dearest, they were inspired by lunatics (lunatic = moon crazy = werewolf).

So Frankenstein is still the sexiest real-life beast.

Though Raquel may be onto something with her Hellboy suggestion, at least for women.


- Eric

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Vlad the Impaler wins my vote for real-life monster any day!! :-)

Theresa Milstein said...

I love your take on the sexiness (or not) of various monsters. The movie "Michael" made angels sexy.

dolorah said...

Gotta agree with you on the Vampire take Eric, but seriously, Raquel has a damn good point about Hell Boy. I'm gonna kick back and dream on that a bit.

Frankensteins: well, I'll think about that too.

This was funny, I needed some humor today.


Anonymous said...

You made me spit out my milk. No fair!

I'm not diggin' the Frankenstein thing. I'd rather hang with Vlad than the physically altered.

Of course, I can say that because he's long dead and I'm not old enough to have cosmetic surgery...

Jemi Fraser said...

I don't think I'll choose to argue with you! :)

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Birds ain't sexy! Um, the peacock and Western Parotia might give you an argument on that.
But, sorry, Frank doesn't do it for me. Give me a vampire sans sparkle.

Culture Served Raw said...

ooh I just LOVE this post!! There are so many .. .monsters are just, sexy. Entertaining post


Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

I can tell you who AIN'T sexy, Randall Flag as Satan. He was just downright homely. My vote's on Bram's Dracula and don't EVEN get me started on that one. Of course this is coming from someone who has avoided horror since 12th grade. And that was, well, a few days ago in zombie time.

~That Rebel, Olivia